Sophie McCook

BBC Scriptwriter & Author of New Book Thinkless

Late at night. A group of media-types in the communications department of FIAC (Foire Internationale d’Art Contemporain). They’re exhausted. The coffee machine is broken. It looks like End of Days for the cashmere-hogging arthouse types.

Gunther’s been taking the minutes on his Ipad. All day.

Gunther: ‘So to recap. We’ve caused a media frenzy with our Christmas tree. It’s gone viral – it’s wonderful news.’

Sylvie: You’d think that any virus was good news, but apparently ‘No’. Apparently, in a predominantly Catholic country, it’s a bad idea to commission a controversial American artist to mix sexual imagery with Christmas. Especially in the run up to Christmas.

Gunther: ‘Jesus! Such out-dated thinking.’

Miguel: ‘People are mistaking a traditional tree image for something sexual.’

Gunther: ‘I’ve got a miniature replica of the tree right here. It looks fine to me.’

Sylvie: ‘People are saying it looks like a Butt Plug.’

Gunther: ‘I’m not even sure what that is! Anyone?’

A bit of embarrassed throat clearing.

Gunther: ‘Is it something you buy in Ikea? I mean, this kinda looks like it came from Ikea. Though, this miniature apparently comes from ‘Dave’s Dong Emporium.’

Sylvie: ‘Our vox-pop feedback has only mentioned butt-plugs, sorry.’

Gunther: ‘Well, people will see sex everywhere if they try hard enough. That’s not our problem, it’s theirs. Bunch of perverts!’

Everyone agrees.

Sylvie: ‘So who commissioned this guy in the first place?

Miguel flicks through paperwork: ‘Apparently it was Randy.’

Gunther: ‘Randy?’

Miguel: ‘He’s the guy you made redundant last month?’

Sylvie: ‘You didn’t like his nipple clamps.’

Gunther: ‘Nipple clamps?! I thought he’d forgotten to take the clothes pegs off his tank top.’

Sylvie: ‘So, how are we going to handle this erection?’

Miguel: ‘It’s very hard.’

Sylvie: ‘We can’t remove the butt plug without causing a stink.’

Gunther: ‘For God’s sake, it’s a CHRISTMAS TREE!!’

Sylvie: ‘If only someone would vandalise it, then we could back out of this safely.’

Gunther: ‘Don’t we have an intern?’

An almost inaudible squeak lets us know there is an intern present.

Miguel: ‘Chloe is an intern.’

Gunther: ‘Chloe, I want you to go and vandalise it.’

Chloe: ‘I don’t really know how. It’s so big!’

Gunther: (with pride) ’80 feet, baby!’

Sylvie: ‘Really, it’s easy. You’ll find a little plug, in the bottom.’

Gunther: ‘So what do we replace this work with? Any other candidates?’

Miguel: ‘We had that nice Jeff Koons on the phone last week…..’

plugsculpture1

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Categories: Blog

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