Sophie McCook

BBC Scriptwriter & Author of New Book Thinkless

Uncoupling is what usually happens to caravans halfway up a hill in Wales. Consciousness is easy to stick to if you keep Gin off the shopping list. But ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ is something special. Gwyn made this new entymology up because it’s quicker than unpicking the neat stitching from around her ‘Own trumpet-honking domestic dictator’ brownie badge.

But Gwyn and the piano thumper are yesterday’s news. I want to highlight instead those celebrity couples who stayed together a little bit longer than was necessary.

Adam and Eve
On the rebound after his sexy former GF Lilith ran off with Samuel, Adam wakes up after an operation with a chest scar and a new GF. Eve’s a little insecure, after all Lilith is now CEO of Hell. She has no mother, no female figure to turn to in this male dominated society. Eager to impress, she tries some new Raw Food cooking on Adam. It’s a massive food intolerance, so bad that God throws them out of their rent free garden apartment. And also btw they discover they’ve been walking around, naked in public for quite some time. With role models like this, the kids become desensitised and delinquent. The court records only state that ‘Cain slew Abel.’ As we all know, family tragedies like this case are far more complex. A deluded Eve goes on to believe her youngest surviving son Seth is actually Abel reincarnated. We can only imagine what that did for Seth’s self worth. Apparently he turned to religion big time. The relationship between Adam and Eve was long lasting (he lived to 930) but length does not win over quality…

Mr and Mrs J Sprat
Often highlighted as an example of a happy marriage, Jack Sprat can clearly be seen domineering and over-feeding his wife to incapacitate her and control her. Seen by his neighbours as a saint as he pushed his wheelchair-bound wife to yet another diabetic clinic appointment at NHS Solihull, the fact that he forced her to ‘lick the platter’ clean is telling evidence that the police overlooked during the investigation.

Cat Stevens and My Lady D’Arbanville
On the face of it, the perfect couple. She’s an exotic island dweller with simple needs. He’s a young singer songwriter with his career in the ascendency. The issue revolves only around the events of one particular night.
Let’s speed quickly past the fact he only sees her as a sex object.
He’s got a song to write and nothing is going to stop him. Even as his GF goes into a seizure in the bed – RIGHT BESIDE HIM! He’s like one of these photo journalists who pap photos of crises but do nothing to help. Except this guy is writing about it. His ghoulish transcript does not include the words;
“My lady d’Arbanville. I’ve dialed 999,
I’ve cleared all your airways and administered Ventolin.”

These women didn’t have Conscious Uncoupling as an option – we can only learn from their stories. These days we just have to look forward to an even more dirgy album from Coldplay and a ridiculous rash of random films from Paltrow. Maybe a glass of gin and a caravan holiday in Wales is called for…

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